Friday, April 13, 2012

The In-Between Hours | A Mother's Grief Part 2 of 4 | Shaken Baby Syndrome

The silence in my ears over the course of the next 24 hours is irreplaceable.  The silence when Madilyne laid in the hospital bed fighting with all her might to live through the injuries sustained April 12, 2005.  Though it was some 7 years ago.. I still fight for life each and everyday..

When I hear sirens, I have flashbacks driving behind the ambulance, I hear an oven timer and think they're unplugging the machines from her, I hear a baby scream and panic that another child is being hurt, I don't like to hear my phone ring because my heart races that its the lady calling. I don't speak for the first 30 minutes of each day because those first 30 minutes is when we giggled and played peek a boo. It took me 2 years to even be around other children, 4 years to hold a child and 5 years to know someone could love me again unconditionally with as broken as I am. You learn to live through the pain, you learn to leave full shopping carts when you panic, and it took me 7 years to even say outloud that I want to have a child again...

Rachel Puckett teaching 2 little blessings about Madilyne at her grave.
I lost my heart and my soul 04-14-05.. and my husband, introduced me to a love that was only a dream at the time, and is now a reality. No one ever speaks of the nightmares one has as the date of the incident creeps up every single year. You would think it gets easier as the years go by.. but I assure everyone I ever meet.. It gets harder and there are a lot more questions, and wondering, and trying to imagine the what ifs'..

During these next 24 hours, Madi laid in a hospital bed hooked to many machines.. the beeping sounds one could never forget.  A program at Tulsa Children's hospital provided us with hand and feet casts we cherish to this day.  All of our family and friends came from near and far to say their goodbyes, as it was on this day we were asked my the Dr. what decision we wanted to make.  He only gave us 2 options, 1. being to take her off the machines, and 2. to allow nature to run its course. 

When we arrived the prior evening at the hospital we were told what no family wanted to hear. Madilyne was suffering from Shaken Baby Syndrome with a 1% chance of survival.  This incident was called the worst case of Shaken Baby Syndrome the hospital had seen in the State at the time.. Knowing this, and seeing Madilyne fight through the blood transfusions, the rashes she would break out in due to the medications.. It was a decision no parent should ever have to make..

I remember holding her hands.. touching her hands repeatedly.. I was too afraid to touch her, my mother leaning over to tell me it was ok, I could talk to her.. The nurse came in asking if I wanted to hold her, and I feared to, simply because I did not want to hurt her anymore than the damage done..

On this day 7 years ago we received a phone call, the licensed day care provider willingly went to the police station and gave a 2+ hour video and audio taped confession of what took place..

The waiting continued for us, as Madilyne continued to fight for her life in a coma, for the next hours...

If you have any questions or concerns about what can be done to help babies who have been shaken, or families of babies who have died, please call Christopher Keane and The Keane Law Firm toll-free for free consultation at (888) 592-5437 (KIDS), click on contact us here, or use the web form provided at

1 comment: